Winter Storm Fern is unleashing her frosty tantrum across 34 states, affecting over 220 million people. That’s nearly two out of every three Americans! If that doesn’t S make you shiver in your snow boots, I don’t know what will.
Hold onto your toboggans, folks! Winter has officially crashed the party in the South, and meteorologists are tossing around that dreaded four-letter “s-word” like confetti at a New Year’s bash.
Now, let’s be honest: it doesn’t matter if the snow is going to stick around or if it’s just a cruel tease. The mere whisper of the word sends Southerners into a full-blown frenzy, as if a tornado is about to do the Macarena through their living rooms.
I am guilty of this madness myself. When I hear that “s” word, I immediately conduct a thorough kitchen inventory to ensure I have enough snacks to survive through May—because who knows when we’ll emerge from our snowy caves? Never mind that I’ve never been truly snowed in longer than a couple of days.
Usually, snow in the South is about a half an inch of snow on the ground and a slightly slippery layer of ice on my porch steps, which my wife and I navigate like it was an Olympic event.
But hey, better safe than sorry, right? I know this probably sounds bonkers to our friends up in Yankee land, but here’s the truth: nothing brings us together like frantically stocking up on milk and bread (and Little Debbie snack cakes) before an impending snowpocalypse—and laughing at ourselves while we do it.
Southern snow humor tends to focus on the immediate panic and our complete lack of snowplows. We’re all racing to the store before the bread shelves are as bare as a baby’s bottom! Because let’s face it, y’all, we might not have snowplows, but we sure know how to hoard milk and bread!
And seriously, has anyone ever had to scrape their windshield with a spatula? Just asking for a friend… who may or may not be me.
JC Bowman is the contributing editor of TriStar Daily.
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